


The God of My Idolatry

by pinkhairedhoe



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternate Universe - Nunnery, Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Confession, Domestic, F/M, Innocence, Mild Angst, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, chosen family, fear of intimacy, romantic awakening, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23249656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkhairedhoe/pseuds/pinkhairedhoe
Summary: Rey is adopted and raised from a baby by a loving convent, torn between a disgraced knight seeking forgiveness and the only family she has ever known. She struggles to accept her feelings and what may be her true calling in life, even as familiarity tempts her.
Relationships: Rey/Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 57





	1. No Sweeter Innocence

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Snow Without Winter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22747381) by [neonheartbeat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonheartbeat/pseuds/neonheartbeat). 



> fair warning: i am not catholic and trying my best with google and what i know. i will include definitions of catholic terms for people not familiar at the end of chapters to clear up any confusion.
> 
> *the catholic aspect of this story is inspired by Snow Without Winter, not the plot*
> 
> chapter titles taken from take me to church by our swamp god and savior hozier
> 
> twitter: @pinkhairedh0e

Sister Rey was a loyal nun. Abandoned at the convent as an infant, the sisters of the Order of Jakku had raised her. Now almost twenty, she spent her days gardening, baking bread, and copying texts with the sisters. She was grateful for the opportunity the order had given her; many women her age had not learned to read or write. Mother Ada established that Rey’s continued membership in the convent was her own decision, and she was under no obligation to remain after her twentieth birthday.

“Devotion to God is a personal choice, my child. It holds no true meaning if it is done with an empty heart,” she had told her.

Rey had six months until her birthday. There was no real question of her choice. The anniversary of her arrival at the nunnery would be celebrated, and she would take her final vows to begin a life of service to God. The convent was her home, and the nuns were not just her sisters in name only. It protected her from the chaos of the modern outside world. 

At least, it usually did.

The nunnery was isolated, as most nunneries are. The Order of Jakku received very few visitors. Sister Rey was the first newcomer in almost ten years upon her arrival, to put it in perspective. They had been joined by only three new nuns since, but never a visitor like the one Rey saw before her.

She had woken up very early as she always did to begin the day’s breadmaking and milk the convent’s cows, Ruth and Mary, whom she had named herself as a child. Her chores were interrupted by a firm knock on the main door. 

Rey brushed her floury hands off on her apron and ran to answer, assuming it to be one of her sisters returning from a morning walk.

It was a man.

She choked on her greeting and stuttered. “Sir, I believe you must have the wrong—"

“This is the Holy Order of Jakku, is it not?” he replied in a deep voice.

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Then I am in the right place.” He removed his black hood and looked at her expectantly. “May I come in?”

“Oh, yes, of course.”

The guest removed his long cloak. Rey puzzled at his face. The only man she had ever seen in her life was Father Luke, the convent’s priest. He was older and kindly, with a greying beard and blue eyes.

This man more resembled the portraits of the Savior that hung in the chapel. His hair was long, almost black and brushed his shoulders. His face was smooth, however, no evidence of a beard. She had not known it were possible to be a man without a beard. 

“Take me to your Blessed Mother, Sister.”

Rey bowed her head in obedience and knocked twice on Mother Ada’s door.

“Holy Mother?”

“Yes, dear child? Is something wrong?”

“No, Mother Ada. There is a visitor. A man,” she explained. “He wishes to see you.”

“Let him in, Sister.”

She opened the door further.

“Now, lost sheep of our Lord, what business have you here?”

“I am a former knight, Reverend Mother. I have not always been a God-fearing man, and I seek a path of light.”

“God is always there for those who need Him, brother. Tell your story.”

He shifted uncomfortably. “I was a member of the Knights of Ren, the guard of my kingdom’s ruler. I betrayed him after his corruption was revealed. The guilt of my actions under his guidance weighs on my soul.”

“May you receive forgiveness and healing, Lord willing. You are more than welcome to stay as long as you need.” Mother Ada looked him up and down. “I’m afraid you’re much taller than our dear Father Luke, but Sister Abigail is a fine seamstress.”

_An ordinary man? In the convent?_

Rey opened her mouth. “But, Mother Ada—”

“‘My decision is final.” The older woman turned to the man. “What is your name, knight?”

“Kylo.”

“We shall see you for evening prayers and supper. Take him to the west wing, Sister.

Rey ducked her head once again. “Yes, Reverend Mother.”

She avoided eye contact with Kylo as they headed up the stairs to his quarters. “Here,” she said. As he brushed past her, she caught a glimpse of a faded red scar across his face. 

“This will do perfectly. Thank you, Sister.”

“Where are your belongings?”

“With my horse. I tethered him outside in the gardens,” he explained.

“I can send a sister to gather them for you,” Rey offered.

“I will not require assistance, Sister.”

“As you wish, sir.” She began to leave.

“You may call me Kylo. I do not believe myself worthy of ‘sir’. And if it is not an intrusion, may I ask your Christian name?”

“Rey, si—Kylo.”

“An interesting name,” he said casually.

“My fellow sisters say the name was chosen for my demeanor as an infant, like a ray of sun.”

He looked as if he was about to ask another question when thankfully Sister Clare came down the hall.

“Sister Rey? Come down to the kitchens, Sister Rosa desires your help with the evening meal.”

“I must go,” she said quickly. “Sister Abigail will come in the morning to measure you for new clothes should you need them.”

Rey closed the door and turned her thoughts to the baking of bread and cooking of stews.

**________**

She effectively pretended not to know anything about the hushed rumors of a male guest among them. The youngest sisters (besides Rey) were attempting to contain girlish excitement as the older women clucked in disapproval. She did catch Sister Clare giving her knowing looks over her shoulder once or twice.

“The convent is a place of refuge for all, of course, and if our Reverend Mother approves we shall trust her judgement, and in His judgement,” Sister Rosa said sagely. 

Rey focused very intently on shaping her rye loaf.

During supper, Mother Ada announced that Kylo would be staying with the order to “return to the path of the Lord.”

Rey joined in with polite applause.

She very carefully planned her daily route around the convent for nearly a week, intending to avoid Kylo as much as possible.

She nearly screamed in terror one morning upon hearing “Sister Rey?” spoken in a deep tone behind her.

“Kylo. Good morning,” she said, trying to regain her composure.

“My sincerest apologies if I disturbed you. Father Luke has heard my confession and determined my penance to be manual labor in the convent. Mother Ada directed me to you.”

“You are free to assist with any task you desire. Sister Catherine is in charge of the livestock so you may ask her about whatever she needs help with.”

“The Reverend Mother said I am to be your “shadow”, in a way. Follow your routines and do some of your chores.”

_Probably as punishment for my attempted protest._

“I am obligated to obey the direction of Father Luke and Mother Ada,” she replied flatly. “Have you kneaded bread before?”

He shook his head. “I am afraid not, Sister.”

Rey cut her ball of dough in half. “Here. I shall show you then.”

“One pushes on the dough with the palm and folds it back on itself. Once it stretches thin enough to see the light through it, it is finished.”

Kylo pushed up his sleeves and watched her rhythm. She suddenly felt self conscious and turned her gaze away.

“Your turn,” she said, setting her batch aside.

The push and pull of his hands was mesmerizing. The muscles and tendons in his arms flexed and shifted as he worked, and Rey caught herself staring in fascination.

She didn’t recognize the fabric of his clothing. The neckline was loose and hung below his clavicle. As he leaned forward over the counter, a small silver chain became visible, glinting in the dim light.

 _He is beautiful, in a way_ . _Not like the beauty of the Most Blessed Virgin, but beautiful nonetheless._

“Sister Rey, I did have a question for you that I meant to ask upon my arrival, but I believe Sister Clare needed your assistance?” he said, testing the dough the way Rey had.

She didn’t look up from the sweeping she’d taken up to distract from the thud of her heart in her bosom. “Please ask.”

“You said the sisters told you your name reflected your attitude as a baby. How did they know?”

“I am an orphan. I was left here as a very small child and raised by the sisters. They named me.”

“You have not known a family?” There was pity in his tone.

“I have known the convent as my family, Kylo.”

“Of course, Sister Rey, do not misunderstand my intent. I meant to ask if you ever knew a father or mother.”

“I was a mere few months old. Mother Ada said it was a blessing of the saints that the order received a cow only weeks before.”

“I see. Is the bread to be baked now?”

“Not yet. It must be allowed to rest and puff up.” She took another ball of dough, already formed and risen, and slid it gently onto the bricks of the oven. “That one has completed the rest.”

“Have you always prepared the bread?”

She watched the flames of the fire dance and nodded. “I helped Sister Beatrice before she passed, may God rest her soul.” Rey crossed herself in memoriam.

“Pass me another, Kylo, there is more room on the bricks. Those on the far side are ready.”

Their hands brushed together accidentally and she felt the calloused toughness of his hands. Hers were not smooth and delicate either, marred by years of milking and kneading regardless of how much oil she used, but his palms carried a strength she was not familiar with.

She changed the subject. “Has Father Luke provided you with a rosary to count prayers?”

He produced a chain of beads with a cross from a pocket. “Yes. I used to have one of my own from my mother before I became a knight.”

Rey absentmindedly ran her fingers over her rosary where it hung around her waist. The wooden beads rolled under her touch and made a soft sound when they bumped against one another. “Good,” she said softly. “Mother Ada often says there is no greater comfort than prayer.”

“I am also to join you for personal prayer. Every afternoon in the chapel.”

“There is time while we wait for the dough to rise and these loaves to bake.”

She rose from the ground and walked purposefully ahead of him to the chapel. His frame was so tall next to her, much taller than Father Luke as Mother Ada had said, and certainly he towered over any of the sisters. Rey lit two candles at the altar and knelt to pray, keeping her eyes shut tightly.

The sound of murmured prayer was the only thing confirming Kylo's presence. She did fifty Lord’s prayers and twenty five Hail Marys in Latin. Having started before him, she finished before him, and listened to his hushed voice echo in the empty room. 

She turned to look at him next to her, and a beam of light had fallen upon his face in a way that almost made her gasp.

_He looks holy._

His hair shone, his pale skin glowed in the light of the mid-afternoon sun, and the chain Rey noticed earlier was sparkling like a clear pool of water.

Angel was the word that came to mind. Not like the descriptions in the Book of Revelations, but the way she imagined them to be. 

She felt shame for staring at him in such a wanton manner rise in her throat. _More to confess_ , she thought sadly, _the sin of lust and the sin of coveting_. Coveting what exactly, she did not know.

The next two weeks followed the same pattern. Kylo would join her in the kitchen after his daily confession and scripture with Father Luke, and he would knead bread with her, then pray in the chapel. Each time, Rey started earlier than him just to turn and watch his face in the light. The same beam came through the windows every day around the same time, and she thanked God in her prayers before bed for creating the sun, so it may fall on his face in that way. She still did not know if the stir in her chest was a sin.

She still stared at his hands while making bread too. It was often said in scripture that humans were made in His image, and Rey secretly thought that Kylo's hands must be closer to His holy hands than any human’s.

One morning, two months into his stay, Kylo was up milking Ruth and Mary before Rey. 

“Kylo, this is not a part of your penance as far as I know.”

“I still feel a duty to help you, Sister Rey.”

“I have no _need_ of help—”

“I know,” he said gently. “I _wish_ to help, Sister. There are two cows and we each have two hands.”

Rey shut her mouth and complied silently, setting the bucket below Ruth’s udder. 

They finished milking and Kylo insisted upon carrying the buckets inside. 

“Sister Catherine will collect this later. She makes the cheese here too.” 

She paused. “Do forgive me, Kylo, if I intrude with my questions, but why are you here?”

“You heard my explanation to Mother Ada.”

“I did, yes, I simply don’t comprehend why a man such as yourself is seeking penance and forgiveness. Especially at a lonely convent.”

His mouth set into a hard line. “The details of it are something I confess only to Father Luke. They are private and I hope you shall respect that, Sister.”

“Of course,” Rey said. “I shall ask no further.”

They finished the rest of the day’s work in silence.

**________**

Nightly before bed, Rey made a point to study scripture alone. She was reading the book of Matthew when she heard a knock on her door. 

“Kylo, good evening,” she said, drawing her night robe quickly about her.

_I am very glad that I had not removed my wimple._

“Good evening, Sister. I apologize if this is inappropriate, but I recognize that my behavior toward you yesterday was cold and unbecoming.”

“Oh, I accept your apology, Kylo, but—”

He produced a bunch of wildflowers from behind his back. “I gathered these from the convent gardens, as a further token of my sincerity.” 

She took them from his hand gingerly. “They are lovely. I shall store them in a vessel of water.”

“Tomorrow, then. Good night, Sister Rey.”

The yellow and pink of the blooms was stark against the plain grey of her quarters. She set them down on her table, meaning to find them a vase the next day.

“Are you enjoying the flowers?” he asked while milking the cows. 

“Yes, I find I often do not have the time to spend among our Lord’s creation, and they are a well-suited reminder,” she said stiffly. “The perfume chases away the smell of burnt ash from the candles.”

In reality she felt guilty with a reminder of Kylo in her most private space at all times, but something about them was comforting.

“Mayhap we can spend a day pressing them once they dry,” he suggested.

“Pressing them?”

“Have you a small booklet of clean paper?”

She nodded. “Yes, of course, and there are several more in the scriptorium.” 

“Once the petals are dry to the touch, bring them down to the kitchens with the booklet. If we finish the day’s bread quickly enough there shall be plenty of time.”

“And my confession with Father Luke is shorter and shorter,” he added. “He has advised me to come only once a week now.”

“God willing, you shall attend once a month like the sisters do.”

“God willing,” he said

She was reminded of her own need to attend confession.


	2. Gentle Sin

Rey snuck away from the evening meal to pray again in the chapel. 

“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name,” she began, rubbing a rosary bead between her fingers. “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.”

Between the practiced words Rey begged silently. _Lord, what is thy will? What is thy will for me?_ _And why hast thou surrounded me in temptation when thou hast promised to deliver me from it_?

 _I pray that Kylo would find his solace quickly and leave, so I would not be_ _burdened with this torment._

It was not his fault, but she still selfishly wished he had never come. That he had chosen another convent, far, far away from here, so she could have never seen his strong face in the light or imagined the touch of his hands.

She resolved to distance herself. _Surely my affections toward him are girlish fantasies._ Rey tried to avert her eyes from his hands and refrained from staring at him in the chapel as she once had. 

She sat embroidering a scene of Jesus on the cross one morning as he worked. “You’ve become very skilled at this,” she commented. 

Kylo smiled. “I suppose so. It relieves me of my tensions.”

“Bread-making used to do the same for me, but doing it as a daily task for nearly fifteen years takes the joy away. Embroidery is a new habit.” She lost focus for a moment and pricked her thumb. “Oh by the saints,” she hissed.

“Are you alright, Sister?”

“Yes, most alright, just a drop of blood,” she said. “I can use a piece of cotton as a bandage if need be, but the bleeding shall cease quickly.”

“Certainly you can’t continue to work with such an injury,” he said playfully. 

“Not for a small while,” Rey said, trying to ignore that warm stir in her breast again. 

Kylo took a loaf from the fire. “It is a lovely day, Sister. Maybe a walk would soothe your wound.”

“Oh, n-no, no, I can't, I, Sister Rosa requested my help again for dinner,” she stammered. 

“Ah, okay.”

It stung to see him upset, and without thinking she added, “Another time, Kylo.”

His eyes lit back up and she cursed herself for promising alone time with him. _I do hate seeing him disappointed._

She turned back to the embroidery. 

Sister Rosa was somewhat confused when Rey showed up to cook dinner unannounced. 

**________**

Kylo did not forget Rey’s promise. She had just taken off her apron and cleaned her hands, preparing to leave, when he looked at her quizzically. “Unless you have very important business to attend to, Sister, it’s another clear day,” he said.

It had been raining for a few days, and the sun had just returned. “Of course,” she replied, adjusting her habit.

“Have you ever gone very far beyond the convent?” Kylo asked.

“No, not much further than the stream,” she said, gesturing away from the stone building and toward a small forest. 

“Take me there, then,” he suggested, crossing away from the path and taking her hand. 

She froze and pulled it away. Sadness flashed across his face but she thought nothing of it. 

“It’s quite easy to find,” she said quickly. “The sound leads you to it.”

They walked a short distance. A soft noise of running water grew louder. “It is not a large stream, but it is calming to sit by,” she said, sitting on a rock. Birds sang happily in nearby trees, and the water sparkled in the early afternoon light. She turned to look at Kylo.

“It is beautiful,” he said, but he was not looking at the stream.

“I played here as a child when the gardens bored me. A convent is not the most ideal place to raise a young girl, but I managed.”

“You truly have known nothing else.”

“The nearest village is miles away, a full week on foot. We provide for our own needs here, so there is no need to travel.” She maintained a measured distance between them. “I have no desire for the outside world.”

Kylo shrugged and sat on the grass above the shoreline. “Having spent all my life in the outside world, as you describe it, there is both good and evil, as there is in all things. I have known evil, yes, but the good greatly outshines it. And you seem a curious and intelligent woman who would thrive in that world, if I may say that.”

“I focus my curiosity on higher matters,” she said plainly. “My intelligence would not be so developed were it not for the convent. Is it not true that many women are illiterate outside of religious life?”

“Peasant women, yes. But my mother was remarkably well-educated and reads better than I do.”

“You forget my less than humble origins, Kylo.”

“I do not forget, Sister. I believe regardless of your beginning in this life that you would have found your way to good fortune,” he said sincerely. 

He glanced about. “There are more flowers here,” he said. Kylo plucked a soft lavender flower and rubbed the stem between his thumb and forefinger. 

“That was my favorite part of this place. The flowers. Mother Ada allowed me to gather bouquets to decorate for Easter or feast days.”

“Come,” he said, gesturing for her to come closer.

Rey stepped forward tentatively and he tucked the flower in her habit. “There.”

His hand rested on her cheek for a moment, warm and firm. Kylo’s eyes glanced down to her mouth and—

She stumbled back. “I have to go,” she said quickly, turning away.

“Sister! Sister Rey?” he called from the riverbank.

Rey refused to look at him. She didn’t want him to see her cry.

**________**

She was standing at the counter shaping loaves as she did every morning when Kylo cleared his throat loudly.

“Sister, have I done something to offend you?”

The crumpled violet that she had torn from her habit came to mind.

“No.”

“Have I upset you in some manner?”

“No, Kylo,” she said, setting the loaf aside and moving along to another.

“I feel as if you are not being entirely truthful with me, Sister Rey.”

“Are you accusing me of lying?”

“ _No_ , I simply do not understand what I have done to be treated this way.”

“I am a nun, and you are a male guest. I am acting appropriately.”

“You have not behaved this way before, why the change, Sister?”

“I believed our prior relationship to be too familiar for me, as a sister who shall soon take her vows. Our only interaction should be for the furthering of your soul’s salvation.”

“You speak like you have been possessed by the tongue of another.”

“My tongue is the same, sir.”

“Do not call me sir, Sister Rey. Truly, what have I done? And what may I do to rectify my sin against you?”

“Nothing, Kylo. You have done nothing,” Rey said, tears forming. “This is my fault,” she whispered. “I need fresh air, this room feels as if it is stealing the very air from my lungs.”

“Sister, it is pouring rain, you’ll be soaked in an instant!”

She rushed out and stumbled into the gardens. The grass was damp. She walked along the back wall of the convent until she reached the crest of the hill. Rey sat in that wet grass and stared at the grey sky above her. The feeling of the rain on her face soothed her swollen eyes and tender nose from crying.

“Sister,” a soft voice said. “Please, stop crying.”

It was Kylo, knelt in the grass and reaching his hand toward her shoulder. She shifted away instinctively.

_If I feel his hand on me again, I may never want it to leave._

“Please, do not touch me,” she managed to say.

“I will not touch you,” he promised. “Sister, why do you cry?”

A new wave of emotion swelled within her and she sobbed further into her hands. “Oh, Kylo. I have let myself fall into sin.”

He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Lust,” she said, very quiet. 

“Lust?”

“I, I looked upon you and felt something within me stir. I indulged my sin. And yesterday, I feared I would break my vows.”

“Sister, you have not taken those vows, there is no need to measure yourself by that standard.”

“I feared I would corrupt your repentance, too.”

“No, no, Sister. You have brought me closer to the light. That is why I gathered you flowers and pressed them with you, that is why I wanted to milk the cows for you, that is why I watch you so intently when you knead or embroider, that is why I tucked the violet into your hood,” he said sincerely. “I was deeply concerned I had done something to earn your disfavor, but this lightens my heart.” 

Her eyes fell to his lips. Their mouths met, warm and soft. He tasted of the mint leaves he so often chewed while he worked. Rey nearly forgot who she was, _where_ she was, and who she was with before jerking away.

There was an unspoken _I love you_ in that kiss.

“Kylo, I cannot, I cannot accept. I am destined to be in a convent.” She was lying. She knew it fully. 

“You have no choice?”

Rey shook her head. “Such is my fate. God chose this life for me by placing me as a babe at that very doorstep you stood upon those months ago. I am not one to deny His divine will.”

His face fell like a candle blown out by the wind. Now, with the material of his shirt doused in rain, she could see clearly the outline of a little cross on that silver chain. So close to his heart.

“If that is what you desire,” he began.

“It is what the Lord wills,” she said. Her teeth started to chatter and she shook violently in the chill.

“Sister, I believe you have spent too much time in this weather,” he said urgently. “I’m taking you inside and I shall hear no protest.”

She couldn't speak with her teeth chattering so anyway.

Stable arms hooked under her torso and legs and carried her inside as her eyes fluttered shut.

She had never been fully underwater, but the voices and sounds that swirled around her sounded muffled as if she had plunged herself into the well. 

There was Kylo’s voice, deep and rough with anxiety, Sister Clare, frantic and worried, and Mother Ada, ever the calm within the storm, soothing poor Sister Clare. 

She awoke in her bed, changed into a simpler white gown and her wet hair hanging at her shoulders. Her skin still felt cool, but the warmth from the roaring fire was comforting.

Sister Sarah appeared, the convent’s nurse. “Sister Rey, I am afraid you may catch a fever from the rain,” she said gently. “Please, lay down and sleep for a time. Kylo has graciously offered to take your chores for the next week.”

At the mention of his name her stomach twisted sharply. “I will rest, Sister. Leave me.”

 _I have pushed him away and I have sinned further in my lies,_ she thought. _May poor Kylo be delivered and leave this convent soon._


	3. Only Then I am Clean

Sister Sarah was right. Rey awoke next with a burning fever and chills. Her physical illness was no match for her guilt and regret, however.

_Once I am well, God willing, I shall seek confession and do penance._

The image of Kylo’s saddened face in the rain was burned into her memory, and it floated in and out of her addled dreams. 

Sister Sarah spoke in hushed tones of Rey’s delirium in the corner of the room. From what she could understand, there was suspicion she had been possessed, but Father Luke insisted there was no need to perform an exorcism. 

“Sister, she is haunted only by the devil of her flesh, not a devil of hell. As her confessor, I know her spirit is sound.”

Sister Sarah nodded solemnly and left.

Father Luke knelt by her bed. “Oh, my child.”

“Father,” she said weakly. “I seek confession. It has been more than a month.”

“What sin could you have committed while regulated to your room?”

“None that I know of. I speak of the past, Father.”

“Tell me, Sister.”

“I have lusted, Father, given in to temptations of the flesh and tempted in return. I have lied for my own selfish gain.”

“Is this true?”

“At first I doubted my sin, but I felt the shame in my soul, Father.”

He looked at her in confusion. “Is this to do with our visitor, Kylo?”

Hot tears streamed from her eyes. “Yes, Father. I looked upon a man who only seeks the divine with unholy intention.”

“Tell me how you looked upon him.”

“When we knead bread I look at his hands, and I think of how well-formed they are. It is said that God makes no mistakes, and I believe his hands are the most perfect thing He has made. They are what I envision when I read of the creation of Adam. And during prayer, I finish faster than him in order to look at his face in the beams from the windows in the chapel. Oh, had I not known him to be a man, I would have thought him an angel, Father.”

“And of the sin of bearing false witness, Sister?”

“I told Kylo that my decision to become a full member of the order was no decision at all.”

“Why?” he asked. “Mother Ada has made your agency in that matter very clear.”

“We took a walk together to the stream. He tucked a violet into my habit and looked at me in a way that set my stomach alight. I ran away from him. The agony on his face, Father, I cannot forget it. He asked me the next morning what he had done to offend me, and I could not answer for being overwhelmed with emotion. I ran away again to the hill, and—” she paused to sob. “He kissed me Father. I returned the kiss.”

“Sister Rey,” he said, resting his hand on hers. “You may have borne false witness, but this is not lust.”

“How can it not be, Father? I know no other word.”

“My sweet child, who is not quite a child anymore, what you describe is love. I have seen a shine to your eyes when you look at him, and Kylo would sail every ocean on God’s earth for you. He asked me which room was yours to deliver the flowers. Now, he asks about your condition at every opportunity.”

A strange mix of relief, sadness, and joy rose in Rey’s chest. “Oh, Father, I do not know how to repair my betrayal. I worry that now he believes I bear ill will toward him.”

“Your penance is to tell him the truth, Sister Rey. I absolve you of that sin. For now, rest.”

**________**

Once Rey’s fever cooled and her head no longer pounded upon standing up, Sister Sarah asked, “I know your illness has only recently improved, but do you feel strong enough to receive a visitor?”

“I have received Father Luke previously.”

“To receive Communion and confession, yes, but Kylo wishes to see you.”

Her pulse quickened. “I feel well enough, Sister. Let him in when he is ready,” she said calmly.

A few moments later he came in, bearing something in his hand that she could not quite see.

“Sister Rey, I—I felt such guilt upon hearing of your fever, but I thank the saints now that you are well,” he said.

“Truly, the fault is mine. I was the one to run into the rain and the cold.”

“Debating the blame was not my purpose in coming here. I have missed you greatly.” He produced a bouquet of purple flowers, already in a wooden vessel.

“From the stream?”

“Yes,” he said, putting the vessel down next to the booklet of pressed flowers. “More seriously, I offer an apology with those flowers once again. I was not aware of your—situation, I suppose. My presumption was inappropriate.”

“I have a sin of my own to confess, Kylo.” She took as deep of a breath as she could. “I lied. I was afraid of my own feelings and uncertain of myself. The reality is I have three months now to decide before the beginning of my twentieth year.”

“I shall make it known that such knowledge fills me with joy, Sister. Of course I shall support and respect whatever decision you make, but I will also tell you that you make me a very happy man.” He looked down at his hands. “I love you, Rey.”

Tears spilled over her eyes. “Please, Kylo, give me time.”

He nodded. “I will.”

With that, he left.

**________**

Rey soon returned to her daily chores. She threw herself into the work, rising earlier and earlier, completing her crucifix embroidery and beginning a scene of the resurrection, and volunteering for every task possible. It only served to exhaust her. The very thing she was trying to distract herself from was by her side at all times, and even when he was not physically present, he lingered in the back of her mind.

She prayed fervently. _God, I ask for Thy guidance. Am I to leave the convent and marry him? Is that what Thou willest for me?_

Kylo was trying to maintain a respectful distance. He controlled his facial expressions well, but she could see pain in his eyes. He did not ask about walks, and when her flowers dried, she was the one to suggest pressing them again. Their work together was mostly done in tense silence, with the barest of conversation.

_I miss speaking to him comfortably._

Rey prayed more. She poured over scripture until she fell asleep on the pages.

With six weeks left, Mother Ada called Rey to meet in the garden.

“Your birthday is approaching,” the older woman said. She was knitting a shawl with a skein of pale yellow wool. 

“Yes, Reverend Mother.”

“I hope you have spent time in prayer pondering the decision.”

“Yes, I have, Mother Ada. I find my heart is still conflicted. I know not the Lord’s will.”

“We are not to know, child,” Mother Ada chuckled. “We are instruments in His hands, and as we work, it is revealed.”

“This is one instance where I wish that were not true.”

“I know your uncertainty, Sister. You must trust in Him and in yourself. For example,” she said, “it is no mere coincidence that Kylo came to this convent when he did.”

Rey choked on air. “Did Father Luke—did he _tell_ you? H-how—”

The Reverend Mother laughed. “As much as I have been discouraging it, the two of you have been the gossip of the order. That is part of why I assigned his labor penance with you. Partially because I believed you needed the experience as a novice soon to take her vows, and because I was curious to see how you would interact.” Her deep-set eyes sparkled mischievously.

Rey blushed. 

“No need for embarrassment, Sister. To love is to emulate our Savior, in any way. I understand the desire for a connection. I desired it too, as a young woman.”

“What do you mean, Mother?”

“I loved another young man as you do. He resembled Kylo in a way, the same dark hair and tall stature. His name was William, and we had every intention to marry once he paid his debts.” She smiled sadly. “Alas, he died in a Crusade when I was twenty-three, God rest him. We never had the chance to wed, so I was not afforded the pity of a widow. I turned my grief to the Lord.”

“I never knew, Reverend Mother. My deepest sympathies,” Rey said, crossing herself.

Tears glistened on her face. “You do not have to take the same path as me, Sister. Your love is alive, and there is only so much time on this earth. Take that as you will. That is all I wanted to say, return to your chores.”

Rey nodded in thanks and walked away politely until she was sure she was out of the Reverend Mother’s sight. Then she ran.

**________**

She dashed up the stairs, nearly knocking Sister Alice to the ground in the process. She shouted an apology down and hoped the sister was not injured. Rey prayed in a never-ending chain, _Let him be here, let him be here, let him be here._

She fumbled with the handle to his room in her fervor and managed to get it open. Kylo was crouched over a bag and shoving clothes and a Bible into it. His jaw dropped. 

“Sister? Why are you in here—”

“Please, do not call me sister anymore,” she interrupted. “I have realized that my devotion to God and my feelings do not have to exist in separate worlds, Kylo. I do not have to deny myself what my heart desires.”

His mouth opened a little in shock.

“I love you, Kylo. I have for _months,_ and I was so afraid of what I believed to be sinful and tainted.”

“Rey, that no longer matters. I love you, I do not care the path it took for us to come to each other, I only care that we are together _now."_

“I should have told you so long ago, Kylo, forgive me for my delay—”

He kissed her. His hands wrapped around her waist and drew her closer as she relaxed. She allowed her own hands to rest on his firm chest and felt his heart pound against her fingers. 

“I never want you to apologize again,” he said breathlessly. “You have spent so long justifying yourself, love.”

She nodded and brought her lips to his again, smiling into the kiss.

“Have you told Mother Ada?” he asked.

“No. She will know soon enough.”

She recalled what he was doing when she entered. “Why were you packing?”

“I was unsure if you would ever tell me how you felt,” he confessed. “I felt like a fool, and my very soul ached seeing you so distressed at my hand. I blamed myself, much as you did.”

“Kylo, I have an idea. For before we leave.”

He looked at her confused but listened anyway.

**________**

An hour later, Sister Alice (who was not injured) and Mother Ada were sitting in the front pew of the chapel.

“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder,” Father Luke said. “I pronounce you husband and wife in the eyes of God.”

And so Rey began her twentieth year with an altogether different kind of vow.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> wimple: head covering worn by women religious, the white fabric under a habit most often  
> confession: telling one's sins to a priest for forgiveness  
> penance: a punishment or actions taken to show remorse for sins after confession  
> rosary: chain of beads, usually with a cross or other decoration, used to count prayers  
> scriptorium: room where monks or nuns copied sacred texts


End file.
